i’m about to get really real today.
there, i said it.
i know i have a few things going against me: i’m in my mid-30s. i live in memphis. i’m a woman of color in a city that has a deep history of racial tension. i speak my mind.
but i also have some things that should work in my favor: i’m smart. i’m funny. i’m friendly and easy to talk to. i read a lot and travel a lot and love sports and can talk about pretty much anything to pretty much anyone.
it shouldn’t be as hard as it is to find someone i like and genuinely want to spend time with, but it is. in the 3.5 years that i’ve been back in memphis, i’ve gone out with around 15-20 guys and matched with numerous others on a variety of dating apps. there have been guys older than i am and ones who are younger. some are divorced, some have children, some want to stay here forever and others are only here for a year or two. some are super tall and some only have an inch or two on me. they run the gamut, and yet here i am, 36 and still living the single life.
i’m not here to complain about it. for the most part i’d rather be on my own than dating most of the guys i’ve gone out with. my therapist says i’m bored, which has a ring of truth to it. i’m bored of having the same conversations over and over. i’ve never been very good at first dates, at all the small talk that goes into getting to know someone in such a prescribed way. one of my favorite first dates was a walk in overton park because it felt so much more natural and took off a lot of the pressure.
but the other truth is that i would like to find someone. someone to talk to at the end of the day about our ups and down. a plus-one for all the things i want to do around the city. a travel companion who wants to venture to new places whenever possible.
and it gets harder with each passing year. is it this hard everywhere when you get to your mid-thirties? is it really this hard to just meet someone when you’re out and about? i manage to get cat-called every time [and i mean every. single. time] i walk anywhere in this city on my own, but i can’t meet a nice guy at a bar or a festival or an art event [john from seattle notwithstanding, and no, i’ve still not forgiven myself for not getting his number, thanks for asking]. i admittedly don’t put myself out there as much as i could, but also rejection sucks and in truth 2019 was a hard year for me. i was hurt pretty badly twice last year, and i’m not super thrilled about the possibility of it happening again in the near future.
i’m not sure what the point of all of this is, but i sometimes forget that this blog is not just a space to share the good things that are happening but also for me to get some things off my chest. so this is how i’m feeling today: a little down, a little frustrated, and a little weary at the idea of putting myself back out there.
but it’s also an opportunity to remind myself that i am enough just as i am and to not try to be someone i’m not. as trite as it may sound, if they don’t want me the way i am then they’re not worth my time.
and for anyone out there who needs to hear it: you are enough, too.